Thursday, March 17, 2011

A Stirring

I'm not sure when it began. Probably years ago the initial "seeds were sown" as they say. Then a little experience here, something I read there, a conversation. But it feels like it is all coming to a head, the pot has reached its boiling point.

What is it going to look like? I honestly don't know. 
What changes will need to be made? Again, not completely clear. 
Is this a "calling" of sorts? At this point that is hard to doubt. 
Too many coincidences. Too much restlessness.

Those of you who do believe in God know what this feels like (or I hope you do). That nagging, tugging, whisper in your soul. That sense of urgency, of purpose.

In an attempt at transparency I will try to explain in the most non-cryptic way I can. But bear with me because these things are still being worked out in the deepest parts of me.

Things I know:
1. I have not been content in a very long time with my faith and living it out genuinely
2. I have been disillusioned with "the church" as an institution for many years
3. I have struggled with our way of life, comfortable in the suburbs
4. I have been frustrated with seeming lack of time, energy, resources I have to devote to anything other than my day to day stuff
5. I have been living in the universe as it pertains to me
6. I haven't done anything truly uncomfortable in a long time
7. I love people
8. I believe God has called me to love people
9. I believe that part of loving them is helping to meet their needs
10. I believe we are meant to live in community

Things I don't know:
1. What does living in true community mean for me and my family?
2. How much should we give up?
3. Where do we need to be more uncomfortable?
4. Where can we serve together as a family?
5. Where do we start?

In the last post I shared about our Lent fast and said I'd keep you posted. Well, this is where it has brought me in just seven days. Questioning our entire way of living. Does it scare me? Oh Yeah. Does it excite me? Yes, in a way. (But more scares me at this point.) I can't imagine what will be revealed or asked of me by day 46.

I shared a song with a friend before Lent began and it speaks so loudly to me now

"If I saw You on the street

And You said come and follow me
But I had to give up everything
All I once held dear and all of my dreams
Would I love You enough to let go
Or would my love run dry
When You asked for my life
When did love become unmoving?
When did love become unconsuming?
Forgetting what the world has told me
Father of love, You can have me
You can have me
If You’re all You claim to be
Then I’m not losing anything
So I will crawl upon my knees
Just to know the joy of suffering"
-Sidewalk Prophets
I want to be moved, I want to be consumed. But if the price is everything? Am I ready for that? I'd like to think so. 
"Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner"

No comments:

Post a Comment