Sacrifice (or The Price of a Calling)

I'm not going to lie, this past weekend was a rough one for me. It was a working weekend (every other one is). And like most working weekends I was feeling sorry for myself and bitter towards all those who were not in my situation. Then came the message at church on Sunday. Written just for me, I'm sure of it.

Point #1 "Always remember why you work"

Friday night I missed out on this.

Jadyn "graduated" from her Pre-K class, something that will only happen once in her little life. There were performances by each class and presentations of certificates by the teachers. Thanks to our handy Flip video camera I was able to watch most of it when I got home from work. But still, I wasn't there. I tried for weeks to get the night off but it just didn't happen. (I could have called in sick but that goes against sermon point #2 "Keep your integrity")

I wanted to be there to tell her how proud I was of her, to grab her up and give her a huge hug and kiss her on the cheek. To dance along with her and clap for her. Instead I pre-recorded a message for her and hugged and kissed her the next morning and asked her to teach me the fun dances. Not ideal, but we survived and made the best of it.

The next day it was a friends double birthday party. Here's what I missed then.

Seriously?  Look at that face! I laughed so hard I almost cried when Tim e-mailed me this picture. Not to mention the time with friends I missed out on (and delicious food!)

And then Sunday came, and not a day too soon.

Point #1 "Remember why you work"

OK, so why do I work? Why do I not stay full time at home? Why do I sacrifice time with my husband working opposite shifts than him, weekends and holidays? Why do I sacrifice time with friends and seemingly the rest of the world who works on a 9-5 schedule? Why do I sacrifice sleep (one of my most favorite things)? And the list goes on and on.

The answer that I was reminded of Sunday morning (whispered ever so quietly in my soul) was, "because I've called you to". No other reason. I work for Him. At home, I work for Him. At my job, I work for Him. He has called me to both.

Maybe the night that Jadyn was graduating something I said to one of my patients will be the thing down the road they will hold on to the next time they want to harm themselves, or the next time they want to get high, or the next time they feel the world closing in on them. If I don't love them, who will? Mental Illnesses are generally not part of the heralded diseases. You don't see many 5K for Schizophrenia or Bipolar Disorder. But for some reason God has shown me His heart for these people and has asked me to work with them. And so I do.

I admit that lately it has been begrudgingly. Which is why I probably needed the reminder "Remember why you work"

Really I have the best of both worlds, I get to work in an area God has gifted me in (psychiatry) and then I get to "work at" an area I am not so gifted in (motherhood), and I'm going to try to be thankful for it all. I'd like to think that the kids are getting the best of both worlds too, me in the morning and Tim at night.

And who am I kidding, for as much as I feel sorry for myself about the things I miss, there is so much more that I get to enjoy. (case in point: the very weekend before we had a family getaway in Chattanooga)

Rolling in the Grass

Rowing Partners

Whispering sweet nothings

Coming in for a hug landing! And I'm the landing strip

And let me tell you, that time is all the more appreciated. So I repent and remind myself "Why do I work?" The same reason I do anything, because of Love, so others may experience His glory. As my wise pastor Mike always says "It's not about you!" I'm not saying the bitterness and resentment won't happen again (like maybe on Father's Day or 4th of July, both of which I will be working) but I'll try to remember this simple truth and suck it up.

Lent Conclusion: The Journey is Just Beginning

Easter. The glorious conclusion to the Lenten season. As people throughout the ages have professed "He is risen, He is risen indeed!" We spent Holy week doing special things with the kids each day including buying gifts for our neighbors, washing each others feet, planting things. It was a very precious time (some pics below).

I wanted, and had intentioned to, write a post about all that I learned. I tried and failed (I just deleted lines and lines of writing). It was too much, too deep to put in writing adequately. (if you want to know more you can ask me, I'd be happy to tell you all about it). What I can say is that I started out our Lent fast as I do every year, doing it because that is what we do, we fast. I was not prepared to be changed forever. But I am. The person I started out as, less than two months ago, I no longer am. My thoughts have changed, my focus and purposes have changed, my way of seeing things/people has changed. It seems like an eternity when I look back. And I hope that my life reflects all that has occurred. I hope I speak differently, I hope I act differently, I hope I treat people differently.

I'm not saying that parts of the old me aren't there, for example we just spent $15 at Caribou coffee yesterday just for the pleasure of it (but I did feel an adequate sense of guilt and thought about all the other ways that money could have been used, so it was the old mixed with the new). But for now, the new me is a happier, more contented me over-all. (aren't we always when we are living the life we were made to live) There have been a few hiccups/distractions/derailments already, but the detours seem shorter and it seems to be taking less time to get back on track than it used to.

What I can profess is that through many different avenues (my readings, church sermons, people I was talking to) the words of Jesus spoke truth again to me in the simple and pure way they did when I first heard them, before it all was twisted and tainted and marred by life and experience, etc. And so I claim again the title of Red Letter Christian (in reference to the words of Jesus being in red in some Bibles) and try to live accordingly.

In tangibles ways this has manifested in our home being transformed into something that is more "us" and less like a catalog or showroom. Our time, resources, finances have been overhauled and are now being used so much more purposefully and intentionally. We have broadened our sense of "family". I look at people I am interacting with and remind myself they are God's creation made in his image and I should treat them that way. I hope it shows, that I am not the same. I hope that less of me shows through and more of Him. And that's it in a nutshell (wherever that phrase came from).

please enjoy some of my favorite Easter photos and our newest home projects

Our Holy Week "worship space"

Washing of the feet

Naturally died eggs (beet, onion, red cabbage, tumeric)

Easter finery

Aquarium mural, everyone contributed

Beginnings of our green wall

Saved most of these from Lowes clearance section

Repurposed Ikea wood

Setting our minds

And we continue our journey. We are approaching Palm Sunday and I have to say that these past few weeks of Lent have felt like the passing of years. But only because so much growth and change has occurred. It remains hard for me to put words to what is happening in our hearts and souls and minds (we hope).

One thing we have felt strongly about is focus. Where is our focus and where do we want the focus of our family to be? In discovering this we decided to use our home and the empty spaces we have to serve as visual reminders. Here is what we've come up with so far, with plans for much more.

Kids interactive, magnetic prayer boards

Family Verse, above the TV on purpose

Inspirational lyrics

It all reminds me of why I got my tattoo years ago (yes, just the one). I wanted a daily reminder of who I was and where I had come from and who was to be given credit for all of that. Well now our family has daily reminders, loud and clear, setting our minds on The Good.

Out of the Depths

A Room With A View (and other Spring Break activities)

Spring Break 2011

Being that we couldn't spend money during the week we took a minimalist approach this year, but it was still fantastic.

We did take advantage of our Sunday spending day and got a great deal on a room at the Westin Peachtree Plaza downtown. All the kids need is a hotel with soft beds and a pool and they are in heaven. Jadyn now refers to it as "that hotel that we lived at". They put us on the 53rd floor and the view was phenomenal as you will soon see. What we did not realize was that we would be sharing downtown not only with thousands of girls volleyball tournament competitors, but the Wrestlemania fans as well. I tried looking for The Rock, but no luck.

And since it is our new fun free activity, we managed to get in some city geocaching which was super fun, very creative hiding places.







Tuesday we hit up the Botanical Gardens for a special "members only" night. All the bulbs were in bloom,  tulips and daffodils galore. And the orchid exhibit was in its final days. SO much inspiration in one place.

Other than that, we hung out close to home, enjoyed each others company and spent time creating and dreaming. But more of that  to come.

Spring!!! And the big payoff

Spring is just exhilarating to me, simply put. And here are some of the reasons why... in picture form ...from our property.

I know right!

So in honor of the first day of Spring we threw a little shin dig at our place, ate some good food, planted some seeds with the kids, watched the Duke vs Michigan State game, and the kids graced us with an amazing puppet show after which we attempted to get a group photo.

The blue-haired whale (aka Greyson)

Response to the Blue Haired Whale

"Did my kid just say that?"

So the real big payoff is the amazing community of people we are blessed to journey with right now BUT I wanted to show you the fruits of our lawn redo labor. If you remember, last spring we put some serious sweat and tears into redoing our front lawn. Here is the big payoff...glorious isn't it? We've had fun running around barefoot in it and rolling around too. Good stuff.

Spring 2010

Spring 2011

The Man behind the Green

A Stirring

I'm not sure when it began. Probably years ago the initial "seeds were sown" as they say. Then a little experience here, something I read there, a conversation. But it feels like it is all coming to a head, the pot has reached its boiling point.


What is it going to look like? I honestly don't know. 
What changes will need to be made? Again, not completely clear. 
Is this a "calling" of sorts? At this point that is hard to doubt. 
Too many coincidences. Too much restlessness.


Those of you who do believe in God know what this feels like (or I hope you do). That nagging, tugging, whisper in your soul. That sense of urgency, of purpose.


In an attempt at transparency I will try to explain in the most non-cryptic way I can. But bear with me because these things are still being worked out in the deepest parts of me.

Things I know:
1. I have not been content in a very long time with my faith and living it out genuinely
2. I have been disillusioned with "the church" as an institution for many years
3. I have struggled with our way of life, comfortable in the suburbs
4. I have been frustrated with seeming lack of time, energy, resources I have to devote to anything other than my day to day stuff
5. I have been living in the universe as it pertains to me
6. I haven't done anything truly uncomfortable in a long time
7. I love people
8. I believe God has called me to love people
9. I believe that part of loving them is helping to meet their needs
10. I believe we are meant to live in community


Things I don't know:
1. What does living in true community mean for me and my family?
2. How much should we give up?
3. Where do we need to be more uncomfortable?
4. Where can we serve together as a family?
5. Where do we start?


In the last post I shared about our Lent fast and said I'd keep you posted. Well, this is where it has brought me in just seven days. Questioning our entire way of living. Does it scare me? Oh Yeah. Does it excite me? Yes, in a way. (But more scares me at this point.) I can't imagine what will be revealed or asked of me by day 46.


I shared a song with a friend before Lent began and it speaks so loudly to me now


"If I saw You on the street

And You said come and follow me
But I had to give up everything
All I once held dear and all of my dreams

Would I love You enough to let go
Or would my love run dry
When You asked for my life

When did love become unmoving?
When did love become unconsuming?
Forgetting what the world has told me
Father of love, You can have me
You can have me

If You’re all You claim to be
Then I’m not losing anything
So I will crawl upon my knees
Just to know the joy of suffering"

-Sidewalk Prophets

I want to be moved, I want to be consumed. But if the price is everything? Am I ready for that? I'd like to think so. 

"Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner"